Posts

What's the hardest, most embarrassing or most inappropriate question you were asked this holiday season? Who asked it?

Him: "Why were you in therapy?"
Me: "Because I'm fuck nuts."

I found it to be quite hilarious. :) It came from a man (that explains a lot) with whom I have relatively limited association.

Ask a crazy question, get a crazy answer!

I have seen far too many tv shows and movies and retained far too much of each.

As I was just unpacking my bag, I realized something horrible had happened: a toiletry of some type had...*gasp*...leaked. Without hesitation, I plunged for the bag and hollered: "We're going in!!! Stem to stern!!!"

I then extracted the contents of the bag in startlingly rapid motions--canvas bag, vinyl bag, UNDERWEAR--DEAR GOD!!!--(if my iPod is in there I'm gonna have a shit fit!)...

Then I realized I couldn't see well enough into the black interior of the bag, so I snatched it up in addition to its contents and dashed into the bathroom, turning on the light switch with my elbow and frantically yanked the nozzle of the sink and pulled the drain so as to be prepared as the situation was assessed.

Jesus God, Man. I even had a flash of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and his "Dispatching of a Recalcitrant Typewriter":

First, a link:

http://t-mama.vox.com/library/post/water-closet-misadventures.html

(Just a previous rambling on about one of my pet peeves.)

I've always been more than a little irritated at people who try to talk to me through the bathroom door. Call me crazy, but I personally feel that bathroom time is private time. Unfortunately, some people see nothing wrong with this particular action and worse yet, some people feel obliged to ask through the bathroom door: "Hey...what are you doing in there?"

While the answers include various bodily functions as well as hygienic necessities, somehow I've never felt obliged to share those answers with the dumbass who doesn't seem to realize that this is one of the most inappropriate times for conversing. Therefore, I have compiled a list of 20 adequate responses to this question, which I find to be one of the most inane queries in existence.

NOTE: These responses should be asserted in a sardonic tone and should all end with exclamation point inflection.

1. I'm repositioning the Hubble telescope. (Thanks for that one, Wes.)
2. I'm checking for anal leakage.
3. I'm flossing my [insert your favorite non-flossable body part here].
4. I'm doing a crossword puzzle. What's a five letter word for dumbass?
5. I'm holding a summit on corruption in the sewer systems.
6. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is growing on my sphincter.
7. I was abducted by aliens last night and an anal douche was in order.
8. I'm trying to become the world's first cranio-proctological surgeon. Care to help me extract your head from your ass?
9. I'm trying to figure out exactly what color this is. Come look.
10. You know the remote we thought was eaten by the couch? Turns out it wasn't the couch after all.
11. I'm looking up the definition of "colonic blitzkrieg."
12. I'm retrieving my secret stash from the toilet tank. DOH! Now I've gotta move it.
13. Get away from the door before you become a hemorrhoid. Oh wait...it's too late for that.
14. You caught me. I'm playing pirates. AARRRR!!!
15. I'm not certain but I think I should have taken a Lamaze class first.
16. Nothing that has to do with the "massage" setting on the shower nozzle.
17. I'm writing a strongly worded letter to whoever illustrated the instructions that go with these tampons. (That one will ALWAYS repel a man from the door...no pun intended.)
18. I'm romancing the kidneystone. (Okay, that one's lame. I actually used it once but I was on serious pain medication, as one tends to be when dealing with kidneystones.)
19. I'm giving myself swirlies.
20. I'm using your toothbrush to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach with my finger.

And those are 20 responses to the idiotic question, "What are you doing in there?" when asked through the bathroom door. Feel free to share your own personal favorites.

***Unedited stream of consciousness from sometime just before sunrise a couple of days ago. Madness. Sheer madness.

Tune: "One Headlight"--The Wallflowers
Wallet, changepurse, checkbook. Ordinary average shit. Pens will be encountered.

Tune: "Fly"--Sugar Ray
...back spasm. No, not in the purse. I had one and it sucked. So... Envelope with coupons. Balance sheet and bill due dates. Zyrtec-D. Yet-to-be-unwrapped fingernail buffer, 4 sided, multi colored. Worn out poweder puff pink fatso emory board, shitcanned. 

Tune: "Luv Me, Luv Me"--Shaggy f/ Janet Jackson (are you fucking kidding me with this?)
Dig deep. Found 1 gig iPod Nano and the Mr. Jim* flashlight. Blue, evaluated no less than a week ago.

***COULD NO LONGER TAKE SHAGGY. FLIPPED FROM XM 90'S TO CLASSIC VINYL--60'S AND 70'S CLASSICS. THANK YOU JESSUS. THANK YOU LORD.

Tune:"fresh air"--Quicksilver Messenger Service  (who the fuck are they and damn this is a strong ass motherfucking mint--far out)

Tune: "The Ballad of John and Yoko"--Beatles (the way things are going, they're gonna crucify me!)
House keys.** Stray individually wrapped Immodium AD, shitcanned.

Tune: "Old Man"--eil Young. *Note: I once referred to the "harvest moon" CD and an Emo Kid corrected me and said, "No, it was 'Harvest.'" No, you youthful, arrogant, ignoriant, willful fool. You SEE... Egads. Fold up pocket size hairbrush. Great in New Orleans.

Tune: "Mr. Tambourine Man"--The Byrds
Two pens. Fucking weird. Two pens on a tune written by Dylan.***CHECK FACT. One lighter, one chapstick, one folded up piece of paper...

Tune: See Emily Play--Pink Floyd
Emily tries but misunderstands...
A list of tunes for Ash written at the Cherokee. (Experiencing coordinatory difficulties.)

Tuen: Fool in the rain--Led Zeppelin
'nother pen, bottle of immodium ad, oil blotting tissues with powder, good black fatso emory board, cigarette foil (shitcanned), note: just unzipped side pocket for checkbook...meant to at first but whoopsie. Now...ha. Condoms. Right on. 'nother pen.  Ticket stub for Harry Potter + HBP. Next to a card from "vintage 429," autograph shop in New Orleans. Hmm...Harry Potter + Magic/Holy City. Witchcraft. Hoodoo.

Tune: Steely Dan--Peg (and immediately I think of Dee and bass playin' and tryin' to find meaning in Steely Dan songs...and smile)...Powder compact. Mmmhmm. Chased three men around Target practically hobbled, too. That's my game of choice. Not the most dangerous, but I find it rather enjoyable.

What was I saying? Ah..More Zyrtec D and a spring for a busted ben, a card for flowers I got for my birthday, little yellow sticky notes, tea tree oil blemish concealer, two lighters, two stray pieces of paper...saying...ummm...

Tune: Hey Joe--Jimi Hendrix
List of tunes FOR ash...last was FROM...or first was FROM...other was FROM. anyway, two prescription refill numberrs written on the back of a receipt  for really expensive dog food from Animal Health Products***.  Couple pices of trash, headache relief aromatherapy oil stuff.

Tune: Hypnotized--Fleetwood Mac--Album: Mystery to Me
ANOTHER pen, my silver case with my "business" cards (I just got sick of writing my number on the back of napkins and other peoples' cards--kinda rude--and scap pieces and hands. Intersting. Pre Stevie, but stil...the Mac. The Fucking Mack. Couple MORE zyrtec d, couple of receipts, a toothpick, and a flyer for the Little Big Store with someone else's phone number on the back of it. Mmmhmm. Oh, and a one gig jump drive. Wonder what's on it. ***

Tune: One Way Out--Allman Brothers
Got distracted with crackberry, but a scription and two apointment cards--one for neuro, one for dentist...

Tune: Doobie Brothers--Takin' It To the STreets
Changing channel...ah, Lithium: Grunge and 90's Alternative Rock
Tune: Would?--Alice in Chains
An actual physical piece of flair. D'Lo Trio.

Tune: Pepper--Butthole Surfers
"Ya never know just how you look through other people's eyes."
Zippo. Engraved with "T-Mama." Aromatherapy Stress Relief oil stuff. Piece of paper...

Tune: Bush--Swallowed
"
A note that reads the follwoing on a torn off pice of paper:
--Certified Copy of Divorce Decree
--Bank Statement
--Car Tag Registration Receipt

Tune: Lightning Crashes--Live

Hmmph. Interesting.

NO APOLOGIES. I make no apologies for who I am, nor do I make apologies for making the choices I made that made me the person I am. I know I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be...but we all do the best with what we have. Life is a continuous process of learning. I think it might be overstating to claim "you learn something new every day," but revelations and lessons come in many forms and at some of the strangest possible times.

I've been having strange and hilarious memories from my life quite a few years ago. I say that like I'm old...I know I'm not, but it's strange to think, "Wow....that was over 15 years ago!" Many of them make me laugh--at myself! The ridiculous way I reacted to things and how silly I was...it's embarrassing and amusing at the same time. All my good friends these days...hell, most who know me now but didn't know me then, can't even fathom me as the "shy kid" I was back then.

Now I'm far less reserved and refuse to be bound by things like pretense. In some ways I'm exactly the same, and in others I'm completely different. Living tends to have that effect on a person.

It's not often that I look forward to an album release so much that I intend to rush out on its release date and buy it. However, being of the opinion that Jack White can do little to no wrong, the upcoming release of his latest faction--"Horehound" by The Dead Weather--this Tuesday has had me all atwitter for over a month now.

Friday, I made one of my tri-yearly pilgrimages to the mall (which I abhor). Our local music store allows CD trades for store credit, and as music has become more and more digitally oriented, I find this to be rather brilliant--I can buy those few albums that I can't find for download (I'm anti-iTunes, but that's another rant for another time), rip them, and then trade them. While I may only end up with $20 worth of store credit for five CDs, hey--that's 20 bucks off some new tunage.

But I digress. I wandered around this FYE for a good 30 minutes, unable to find anything I wanted. I wasn't all that jazzed about seeing a new live Nightwish release since I haven't listened to any track samples, I have damn near every Tom Waits album ever recorded, they didn't have the frapping Easy Rider soundtrack (which I have on vinyl, but seriously, WTF?), they only had one Kamelot album that I already own, they didn't have the one Dwight Yoakam album I give a damn about owning, they did have Volume II of the Duane Allman anthology--for about $15 more than it was on Amazon.com...I mean, I was just screwed.

The manager who works there--who never remembers my name, which doesn't bother me because I don't remember his, either--looked a few things up for me with the same response, "Well, we can order it." Dude, no offense, but I can order it my damn self. So I just happened to say, "And The Dead Weather album is released on Tuesday, right?"

His response literally made me do a happy dance: "Yeah, but I'll sell it to you now."

Thank you, Karma, for allowing me to rock out all weekend to a not-yet-released album. :)

Have you ever found yourself trying so hard to solve a problem, you end up getting in your own way? In a way it's kind of one of those "Road to hell is paved with good intentions" situations. Most of us realize that sometimes it's necessary to take a step back--or even walk away--and not focus on it for a while...like studying so hard for a test you become counter-productive, or scrubbing so hard to remove a stain your entire hand goes numb and starts bleeding and you don't even realize it. I've been in one of those situations, and honestly, it probably would've gotten easier by now if I could just step back and breathe for a minute. However, we've all got our flaws.

I love music, I love people, and I love words. The last two explain why the main thing I write about is people. I don't write about their great achievements or their horrible failures; I find myself ranting on occasion, but that's just because I'm human. I write about whatever sticks with me...the way a person is, the crazy energy they have about them, how welcoming and hospitable they are, how they love what they do...anything. As for music, most of the time that's the glue that sticks someone to my memory. It may just be that we talked about a particular musician, or that they write music, or I was with them when I saw a concert, or we sang a song together...again, anything.

And once in awhile, all those things fall into place and end up doing something completely awe-inspiring: those words find their way to someone and affect them in a positive way. Sometimes it's a simple as bringing back a childhood memory; other times, it's something as profound as actually moving someone--which isn't as grandiose as it sounds. Moving someone can be as easy as making them feel better. And when that happens based on just being who you are and doing what you do...it's pretty damn nifty.

To top all that off, when you've been busting your ass on one particular problem and aren't making any headway, and in addition are tired, frustrated, pissed off, drained, and would really just like to throw your hands up, say the hell with this, and give up...and this other thing comes along, shifts your focus for a little while, and ends up having that result...

Well by damn, it's just magical. Not to mention much needed and most appreciated.

I've never been good at hiding my state of mind from the people who are closest to me. My Dear Ones know me better than I know myself at times; there have been occasions that I didn't even realize something was wrong until a friend asked if I was okay. Conversely, I almost always sense when a friend is in an atypical mood--whether they're in pain, lonely, frustrated, angry, and all other manner of not-so-great places to be.

I'm a loyal and sympathetic friend, and as such not only am I going to inquire as to what might be affecting someone I care about, but I'm also going to offer whatever support I can and take whatever action is necessary to comfort them. There are times when my Dear Ones--much like me--just need time to themselves to sort out all the ruckus in their souls, and at times like that I just let them know that should they need me, I'll be there. Other times--again, much like me--they don't want to be left alone with the turmoil, but they don't want to burden someone else with their problems. Rationally, we all know that's what friends do for each other. However, rationality and emotions are as logical a combination as toothpaste and orange juice.

Much like an addict won't accept treatment until they are ready to confront their addiction, a person in pain is not receptive to support until they're ready to accept it. Sometimes they just need a gentle push and a little reassurance. Other times even the most delicate of nudges will cause them to become defensive and turn them into a brick wall. So how does one tell which action is appropriate?

It seems rather audacious to tell someone they're not happy. After all, I'm still getting to know myself--and will continue to do so, as it is a lifelong process. If I don't even know myself at times, what on earth gives me such an intense insight into someone else? Still, it's entirely possible to be blue--even despondent--and either not realize it or to be in denial about it. I lived that way for months...perhaps longer. I understand how difficult it can be to admit that you're unhappy, especially when there's nothing going on in your life to be particularly troubled about. However, when someone you love has a noticeable change in demeanor, personality, becomes distant, and looks like they haven't slept in weeks, what other conclusion can be drawn?

So how does one go about approaching a friend who is obviously afflicted but is either unaware of it or unwilling to admit it? The concern is not over risking the friendship; if expressing genuine concern and love for a person brings about anger and ultimately leads to the end of that friendship, then it really wasn't much of a friendship anyway. By the same token, if that genuine concern brings about accusations of self-serving motives, again, it isn't as solid a relationship as you may have previously thought.

At the end of the day, I want my Dear Ones to love themselves, to be whole within themselves, to know their infinite value as people, to believe in themselves, and above all else, to be who they are. When the people I love are in pain, it causes me pain and makes me feel utterly helpless--one of the top three things I most despise. I can only hope that each of them can see themselves as I see them--strong, intelligent, witty, amazing individuals who have enriched my life in more ways than I can ever describe, and for which I am and will always be immeasurably grateful.

Stepping in something wet with your socks on.
Having something crawling on your face and subsequently hitting yourself.
Mistaking slivered peanuts for slivered almonds on the salad bar and ruining your salad.
Slamming your finger in a window.
Falling up stairs.
Falling into the toilet at 3AM because someone has failed to put the seat down.
Anything involving pantyhose.

If you could enforce one rule of etiquette, what would it be?
Submitted by S@ngarang.

Walk on the right hand side of the hallway, stairwell, sidewalk, etc. and DO NOT crowd people! I had a Western Civilization professor who put that on his syllabus every semester and would quite literally collide with violators. I've had people brush shoulders with me in shopping malls when they had a good three feet of space to work with. Being something of an asshole, I'm inclined to blurt, "EXCUSE ME!" in a most dismayed manner.